Have you ever asked yourself the question “Am I ready to date again?” These words echo in the hearts of most people at one time or another when seriously considering venturing into a new relationship and often are accompanied with fear of being “single”. This is especially true if the last relationship ended in a “bad breakup”. There’s little in life that feels worse than the emotional trauma that can come from ending a relationship – especially if the relationship was one that was pretty serious.
Most of us have had those “summer flings” or teenage crushes as we were growing up and developing emotionally; but when we reached adulthood, most people entered into more serious relationships – one that we became more invested in emotionally, psychologically, financially, and many times – physically.
However, the challenge becomes more pronounced as Christians when we grapple with how we not only view dating, but also how we develop healthy boundaries throughout the process in order to ensure God is glorified by our life’s choices (check out 1 Corinthians 10:31).
Quite honestly, it can be difficult to balance the two. Ok, it definitely requires intentional effort! And when surveying the field of prospects for a relationship, finding someone (even with all the dating apps available!) who shares the same values, faith, and worldview can be a daunting and arduous endeavor.
There are great articles that you can review that will give a myriad of markers to determine if you are ready to date again; like relationship expert Dr. Rendi Gunther’s great read “15 Questions to Help You Decide You’re Ready Again;” or Bustle’s article “8 Ways to Know You’re Ready to Date Again” or Huffington’s version of the same. These are great tools – so definitely check them out – but, don’t stop there; there are certainly other factors to consider as well.
So before you take that next step, here are 5 additional signs that you may be actually ready to launch out into the deep!
- You no longer have emotional triggers or reactions when someone says or does something that reminds you of your past or places you have gone.
This is a tough one. It’s challenging because we all have emotional triggers! According to licensed family therapist, Michelle Farris, “a trigger is an intense, emotional reaction to a present behavior that reminds you of something painful from your past.” The moment we are “triggered” we are flooded with hormones and our bodies are poised to react negatively.
Often our reaction is less about the moment and person and more about the complex emotions attached to the past. According to licensed therapist, Rachel Moheban, emotional triggers can cause people to react in different ways in relationships. Often we aren’t aware of all the emotions that lurk beneath the surface. When we have successfully “unpacked” or worked through our emotional triggers, those negative emotions no longer surface or if they do, they don’t elicit the same response as they did in the past.
- You no longer are trying to prove something to some person or people in your past.
Let’s face it. Our past is many times our present – at least in our minds. Though the past is an important marker for our present; oftentimes, when we have been hurt, abandoned, and/or betrayed by our past relationship(s), we can sometimes feeling the need to “prove” something to our past.
Competition in a healthy dose is a positive force, studied to determine human behavior, but when competition is born out of a need to prove something to our past, we can end up harming ourselves in the process and other relationships. Why do you do what you do? What motivates your behavior? Better yet – who motivates your actions? When you reach the point where you are no longer motivated by competing with your past, you are one step closer to being ready to date.
- You have released what you were holding onto from your past.
We often hold onto the past because it provides a kind of comfort for us but also can become a kind of “rut” that we get trapped in. Our past (no matter the sphere), has the ability to sabotage our present and jeopardize our future. The same holds true specifically for relationships. But we also hold onto the past because it is a point of reference that is familiar. Life Coach/Public Speaker Tony Robbins encourages people to let the past go and recondition our minds by focusing on the present and the future.
Simply put, the closed hand, tightly gripping onto the past, is not able to receive the gift of the present. It’s time to release whatever you are holding onto from your past. Remember, forgetting the past is central to our faith; 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.” (CEV)
- You have stopped asking the question, “What if?”
We all have questions about what life would be like if things were different. Asking the question “what if” leaves the door open to the possibility of the past resurfacing into our present and derailing our future. At times, we may try to recreate those unrealized expectations of our past into our present. There are moments when the “what ifs” are liberating questions, but in the context of relationships, there must come a point where you stop asking “what if” because it robs us of the moments presented to us by life today.
Sometimes, “what ifs” are an indicator that we may be subconsciously wishing for our past to be revived. Before we are ready to move forward, we must bring closure to the idea that things could be – would be – different.
- You have stopped asking the question, “Why?”
The most challenging question to stop asking is definitely “Why?”! We all ask this question at one point or another – at school, at work, to friends, to family, to ourselves. The question “why” is our attempt to seek answers to something that we are unsure of and unable to comprehend.
Yet, continually asking “why” infers that there is no personal closure to past relationships and that negative experiences have not been resolved. There are moments when we must trust the plan of God, and the power of His Word to order our steps and lives. We must release the need to know “why”! Let’s face it, there are something that are simply too complex for us to grasp – God’s infinite, predetermined makes all things work together for the good (Romans 8:28), but we still can’t imagine the vastness of God’s plan. So, rather than waste more time trying to discover the “why”, release the need to know and simply, trust God’s heart for you and your life!
Conclusion
There’s one more thing to consider. As a believer, all decisions we make must be guided by prayer. The last (and possibly most important) thing to determine if you are ready to date again is whether or not it’s time to date again – for you. There is no cut and dry answer or quick formula for this – it must come from your own internal clock that is personally tuned to God’s timetable for your life. At the end of the day, even if you’ve covered all 5 areas, don’t discount getting the “okay” from God so you can pursue dating for His glory.
As Proverbs 3:5-6 states “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (NIV).
Click HERE to watch our discussion on these 5 Questions to ask yourself to determine if you are single (and to determine if you are ready to date, by extension).
Covenant Coversations is a community to help single Christians navigate the process of finding Covenant. We realized that there has been no clear blueprint to date “God’s way” and prayerfully we developed our model, our strategies, and our process to assist singles on their journey to covenant ~ Tiffany & Imhotep Newsome
Pick up your 14-day online prayer devotional HERE
Are you trying to navigate Christian Dating? Pick up our Covenant Connection Guide HERE.
